Dear Governor Heineman,
My name is Ryan Syrek. You don’t know me. At least I think you don’t know me… If you read this blog, you have to tell me, but I know we don’t hang out much. I’m not saying that hurts my feelings, but it’d be nice if you returned at least one of my Snapchats.
I’m writing you today because of your letter. You know, the one where you rail against the “illegal unaccompanied alien children.” Boy howdy, Davey, are you sure you couldn’t squeeze one more derogatory adjective in there? I mean it seems like somewhere between “unaccompanied” and “alien” there was room for something like “smelly” or “scary” or, more to what I believe is secretly your point here, “brown.”
Now, the ACLU and local groups are all up in yo ass about the ridiculous invasive requests you’ve made. I believe you ran afoul of people when you asked for “the names of the alien children; their alien identification numbers and dates; their sponsors’ names and addresses; and the immigration status of their sponsors.” For the record, you left out “blood type, favorite Menudo member (they’re like the Hispanic Beatles), willingness to vote GOP despite it not being in their best interest should they become citizens, and preferred side of the bed.”
For a party that likes to have small government, one that tightens its collective sphincter at the thought of having a national gun registry, one that constantly compares President Obama’s tenure to oppressive regimes, asking for this information feels like, what’s the word I’m looking for here…oh, right, bullshit.
I don’t know much about the sponsors these kids are with, but I’m guessing they volunteered to help, as the last I checked we can’t force people to do such a thing. So that last part, where you ask for all the details on the sponsors, that’s especially effed up. You basically are saying “I want to know everything about people willing to help refugee children so I can potentially harass them.” You know, like Jesus would do!
The reason for your unprecedented concern is that you’re allegedly worried about this being a threat to “the health and safety of our communities.” I know that I can personally think of literally nothing more terrifying than a refugee child who has no possessions, is likely undernourished, has no family, and is scared. Why, it’ll be a miracle if the 200 of them don’t seize the capitol building and declare this whole state New New Mexico!
You end with a whiz-banger, Dave. “Both the adjudication and return of these individuals to their countries of origin are the responsibility of the federal government.” In Larry the Cable Guy speak, you want to “Ship their asses back to MEH-HEE-CO!” But as I talked about on Tuesday, these are kids fleeing the worst places in the world. They are children running from places like Nicaragua, where their friends are beheaded if they don’t join gangs. These are places like Honduras, which has the highest murder rate in the world. These are places so bad, so terribly violent, they would rather ride this:
This is the “Train of Death.” They call it THE TRAIN OF DEATH. So these kids look around, they see what their home looks like, and they think “I would RATHER ride THE TRAIN OF DEATH.”
Dave, you are the lamest of lame ducks when it comes to this one. No matter how many times you use the term alien to refer to children (none of which share DNA with ET or Alf), you can’t strip the humanity from them. These are not “illegal unaccompanied alien children.” These are refugee children.
If we were to call them that, things dramatically change. The legal protections for refugees are different than those for “illegal unaccompanied alien children.” If your letter did anything, it should be to plead for that!
But that’s not why I’m writing this open letter to you. I’m writing it because I want an answer. Do you believe that the cost of 200 children, whatever it is, to be safe from hell on earth is too much? Do you believe that it’s more important to follow bureaucratic channels, legislative hurdles, and state vs federal hierarchies than it is to keep CHILDREN from suffering?
How about this, an even better question: Do you truly believe this harms ANY Nebraskan in ANY way? Was I just about to receive a fat check from the state before Johnny Centralamerica was moved here? Do our cornfed boys and girls born and raised in this great state now miss out on some opportunity?
You’re scoring political points on the backs of suffering refugee children. I mean, mother of God, that is some BIBLICALLY EVIL SHIT! Like, somewhere Satan is down in hell going “Too far, Dave. Too far.” By my count, you’ve now spent at least a week almost exclusively focused on this one issue, an issue that has no practical bearing on Nebraskans’ lives. You’ve committed yourself to the most anti-christian position next to “guy who prepares the Satanist sacrifices.” And now you’ve gone so far to the right with this offensive letter, JEFF FORTENBERRY wouldn’t sign on. That guy would piss himself on command for the GOP.
In closing, check yourself, Dave. These are kids. These are kids who are suffering. These are kids who need help. The right answer isn’t “Tell me everything you can about them and anyone helping them and then send them back to hell.” The answer is to be compassionate and try to work positively to help them.
Why is it that your party is so quick to anger and judgment and not kindness and empathy? If you said, “I agree, we can’t send these kids back to die, but let’s talk other plans” it’d be so different. But you don’t. You whip up frenzied anger. That sucks. And you suck for doing it.
In conclusion, please reconsider your inexplicably hardline stance against children. Also, if you send me a Snapchat with a funny doodle on it, I promise not to screenshot it.