Are They Teaching Islam in Nebraska?! No. No they’re not…

Now that I’m trying to do this here bloggin’ business a bit more regularly—what with all the votin’ and whatnot comin’ up this fall—I asked some folks on “The Facebook “if there’s anything they thought I should talk about. A friend of mine pointed me towards this Omaha World Herald article:



I’ll give you a second to wipe your spit-take from off your laptop/monitor/phone. WHAT IN THE NAME OF BILL MAHER?! OUR KIDS IS LEARNIN’ THE ISLAMISM TERRORISM?!


No, they are not. Not even a little bit…

To follow Parker’s “logic”—and, please, do envision my hands making emphatic, obnoxious air quotes around this word—requires a degree of intentional misrepresentation…or at least internet access to right-wing websites like Brietbart

The company who makes the textbooks in question, Pearson, is not a corporation that I in any way vouch for. They are vouchless. Understand that. A quick Googling shows me they’ve got plenty of issues, including some with standardized testing and teacher education. It’s just that one of those issues is not actual ties to terrorism.

They are a publicly traded company. As such, any eligible party can buy stock in them. Owning stock in a thing doesn’t give you control of it, just ask any of the bajillion Nebraskans who are Berskshire babies. The questionable investment group that Parker fingers owns about 3% of Pearson’s stock. If you were to (somehow) buy 3% of Berkshire, would you get to tell Warren how to Buffet? No. No you would not.

So what the hell, Amber Parker? It sounds like you’re drumming up xenophobic outrage for attention! Wherever would you get that idea that would work?!


(Note: This is one of the AMAZING illustrations from the brilliant goddess Molly Crabapple: go buy her stuff here.)

Hey, it’s okay! Unlike Donald Trump, it’s not like Parker is making claims she can’t back up!!!

“Islam is a threat in schools,” she said. “We do have indoctrination that is coming and taking place.”

DAYUM, PARKER! Okay. I see you. That is a pretty specific claim! So, show me where in Pearson’s textbook or in which classes this is happening!!!!

Parker did not question any specific passages in the textbook. Nor did she cite any instances of indoctrination in Millard schools.

Oh. I see…

So you literally read an article on Breitbart and tried to get attention by drumming up fake controversy and appearing “patriotic.” Well, I’ll have you know, the textbook was approved by the Millard School Board’s Americanism committee and OH MY GOD DOES AN “AMERICANISM” COMMITTEE SOUND TERRIFYING!!! Turns out, the statue mandating an Americanism committee dates back to 1949 and is somewhat less alarming than it sounds. Because I swear to you, I immediately envisioned this:


Parker’s bullshit provoked two immediate reactions in me. Well, three if you count the usual flatulence that develops in the face of xenophobia and links to Breitbart.

First off, it’s important to vote in local elections and to be educated when you do. 

We make a big deal of the presidency because it’s a big deal. We make a big deal of congress, well, because they’re ineffective assholes who all need to be shot to the moon. We don’t make a big enough deal about the local politicians who actually dictate our day-to-day encounters with government. The vast majority of public officials are local politicians, not national ones. And yet, many people go to the ballot boxes wholly ignorant and either check names they kinda remember or ignore smaller races altogether.

Seek out information on these candidates! I love the League of Women Voters, but Ballotpedia and others do good work as well! If you don’t want synthesized information, feel free to look up a sample ballot when they become available and Google the candidates. You and I both know that you’ve Googled dumber shit before!!! For the record, it was Jeff BRIDGES and not Jeff DANIELS in that one movie…

Local elections are (A) more susceptible to your influence and (B) influence your life more. Pay attention.

Second, this is what happens when a party runs on racism.

Is the Democratic party without sin? Schultz no! The DNC has been outed (likely thanks to influence from the Russians…which apparently nobody is all that bothered by) for being supreme wangs to Bernie Sanders. And who acts like a wang to a guy who looks like your favorite angry philosophy professor?! But as bad as the DNC has been, the RNC nominated a guy who once answered a question about banning “heebie-jobbies” from being worn by TSA attendants with “We’re looking into that.”

Unlike capitalism, xenophobia can trickle down. Especially to those who believe everything they are told by suspect sources. The scapegoating of Muslims and Islam is a go-to bread-and-butter scare tactic. It’s morally reprehensible, but it is also effective. Hell, I didn’t know who Parker was before she whipped up this cockamamie porkshit about textbook ties to terrorism. She’s fighting for one of the three seats eligible on November 8 after finishing sixth in the primary. Gee, I wonder why she’s making a fuss?!

From the top of the ticket to low-level local races, we need to send a message that racism and fear of others is not an acceptable voting issue. Every time Trump dipped in the ratings, he’d make a controversial, hate-filled statement to get back in the news cycle. What his triumph in the primaries showed is scary: It can work.

So we have to show we won’t stand for it. Not nationally, where the baby-fingered obese orange-creamsicle intends to build walls and blow up Europe or something, and not locally, where a woman can claim “indoctrination” without evidence and make accusations of a textbook she’s never read.


Vote smart.

Vote ethically.

Vote for local offices.

And vote to keep racist bullshit like Parker’s flibbertigibbet out of places it can have actual influence.


A Complete List of Reasons NOT to Vote for Hillary Clinton

Here is a complete list of reasons not to vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election:

  1. We discover incontrovertible evidence that Donald Trump “Freaky Friday-ed” her, assuming control of her body in Lohan-esque fashion.
  2. Some time before election day, we learn that Ben Carson is right, as Lucifer ascends from hell wearing an “I’m With Her” T-shirt.

That’s it. Those are the only two scenarios in which you shouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton.

Listen, I totally get it. I’m not a fan of Hillary Clinton. I find her to be a rather dishonest politician who consistently puts personal ambition before moral conscience. However, she also has the decided advantage of not being Donald Trump. Let me say that again so you really get it: Hillary Clinton is NOT Donald Trump. This year, that is literally the only criteria that matters: You have to actually have a chance to be president, and you have to not be Donald Trump.

Most years, third-party presidential voters simply irritate me with their smugness and inability to accept reality, but I just ignore them. See, they vex me because their ironclad political beliefs seem to bloom and blossom every 4 years, only to dramatically and invisibly wilt during the very non-election times when building a viable third party is a valid pursuit. I have yet to meet an active third-party voter in a non-presidential election year. Where do they go? It’s like magic!!!!

There are two choices for president

Either Hillary Clinton will be president, or Donald Trump will be president. This is an absolute, 100% truthfact. Wanting it to be otherwise will not make it a reality. If you vote for literally anyone but those two, your vote has the exact same weight as if you stood in your shower screaming “GANDALF THE WHITE FOR PRESIDENT!!!!”

You’re basically doing this:


Do you have the right to piss your vote away and, in doing so, potentially allow a literal fascist to ascend to the top of American politics? Yes, you do. You also have the right to lick electrical sockets and wear a suit of armor in a lightning storm. The difference is, those last two will only hurt you…

I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard before, and I know a lot of you hate being told to vote for “the lesser of two evils.” Personally, that seems like such an incredibly good reason to vote for someone.

Someone: “Ryan, why are you voting for that person?”

Me: “Because it’s between this person and somebody way more evil.”

Someone: “That seems to make sense.”

Me: “Because I want less evil and my only other choice is more evil.”

Someone: “Agreed! Let’s vote and then eat some delicious tacos!”

*High Five*

That seems to make an overwhelming amount of sense. Do you have to like it? No. Should you do it? Yes. Hillary is too warhawky for me. She waffles on issues I care about. She’s about the most establishment, system-loving, oligarchical candidate you can ever have. She doesn’t inspire me in any way. Yet, I will do whatever I can to make sure she wins and Donald Trump loses because I don’t want a grade-A, 4-star, lunatic fascist racist sexist asshole to run the country into potentially literal oblivion.

I’m back to blogging now, and future installments will be a lot more eloquent and sophisticated, I promise. I’m just stunned today. I’m stunned because a room full of people who support Bernie Sanders, who has long stood against the democratic party on a series of issues, booed when he told them to support the democratic party this election. It’s dumb. They’re dumb for doing that. They’re acting like children, and we already have a whole other party that has a monopoly on that behavior.

Please listen: Donald Trump stands for nothing that Bernie Sanders stood for. If you cared about anything he actually ran in favor of, you have to vote for Hillary Clinton. If you want to dismantle the DNC, hit me up November 9th, and we’ll talk. I don’t like what the DNC did. Screw Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Screw the Clinton political machine. I am not voting for them. I am voting against a man who has the full support of the KKK. If you think that voting against someone isn’t a good reason to vote, you don’t understand how voting works. If you vote to “send a message,” please Google “Brexit” to see how that turns out.

Yes, every election you are told that this is the “most important election of your lifetime.” If our country actually showed up to do its civic duty, maybe the hyperbole wouldn’t be needed. Thing is, this really is a very serious election, insofar as a political cartoon received the GOP nomination.

I was more excited to vote for John Kerry than I am for Hillary Clinton. And he did this:


Still, I’ll be doing my damnedest to make sure Hillary wins this fall. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’ve given (and will give) 0 dollars to the DNC this year. I will give money to specific democratic candidates, but none to the party. I’m disappointed in it. But I will also be voting for Hillary Clinton because I’m not pretentious enough to think standing on principle will excuse others from the consequences of a Trump presidency. Because make no mistake: There will be horrible, terrible consequences for the poorest among us, for people of color, for the LGBTQ community, and so many more if that Cheeto-colored assclown gets to sit in the oval office. Bitch about Hillary. And then tell everyone why you’re voting for her anyway.

More soon, but for the love of God, if your IQ is above “potato,” please get on board with “her” immediately.