A Complete List of Reasons NOT to Vote for Hillary Clinton

Here is a complete list of reasons not to vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election:

  1. We discover incontrovertible evidence that Donald Trump “Freaky Friday-ed” her, assuming control of her body in Lohan-esque fashion.
  2. Some time before election day, we learn that Ben Carson is right, as Lucifer ascends from hell wearing an “I’m With Her” T-shirt.

That’s it. Those are the only two scenarios in which you shouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton.

Listen, I totally get it. I’m not a fan of Hillary Clinton. I find her to be a rather dishonest politician who consistently puts personal ambition before moral conscience. However, she also has the decided advantage of not being Donald Trump. Let me say that again so you really get it: Hillary Clinton is NOT Donald Trump. This year, that is literally the only criteria that matters: You have to actually have a chance to be president, and you have to not be Donald Trump.

Most years, third-party presidential voters simply irritate me with their smugness and inability to accept reality, but I just ignore them. See, they vex me because their ironclad political beliefs seem to bloom and blossom every 4 years, only to dramatically and invisibly wilt during the very non-election times when building a viable third party is a valid pursuit. I have yet to meet an active third-party voter in a non-presidential election year. Where do they go? It’s like magic!!!!

There are two choices for president

Either Hillary Clinton will be president, or Donald Trump will be president. This is an absolute, 100% truthfact. Wanting it to be otherwise will not make it a reality. If you vote for literally anyone but those two, your vote has the exact same weight as if you stood in your shower screaming “GANDALF THE WHITE FOR PRESIDENT!!!!”

You’re basically doing this:


Do you have the right to piss your vote away and, in doing so, potentially allow a literal fascist to ascend to the top of American politics? Yes, you do. You also have the right to lick electrical sockets and wear a suit of armor in a lightning storm. The difference is, those last two will only hurt you…

I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard before, and I know a lot of you hate being told to vote for “the lesser of two evils.” Personally, that seems like such an incredibly good reason to vote for someone.

Someone: “Ryan, why are you voting for that person?”

Me: “Because it’s between this person and somebody way more evil.”

Someone: “That seems to make sense.”

Me: “Because I want less evil and my only other choice is more evil.”

Someone: “Agreed! Let’s vote and then eat some delicious tacos!”

*High Five*

That seems to make an overwhelming amount of sense. Do you have to like it? No. Should you do it? Yes. Hillary is too warhawky for me. She waffles on issues I care about. She’s about the most establishment, system-loving, oligarchical candidate you can ever have. She doesn’t inspire me in any way. Yet, I will do whatever I can to make sure she wins and Donald Trump loses because I don’t want a grade-A, 4-star, lunatic fascist racist sexist asshole to run the country into potentially literal oblivion.

I’m back to blogging now, and future installments will be a lot more eloquent and sophisticated, I promise. I’m just stunned today. I’m stunned because a room full of people who support Bernie Sanders, who has long stood against the democratic party on a series of issues, booed when he told them to support the democratic party this election. It’s dumb. They’re dumb for doing that. They’re acting like children, and we already have a whole other party that has a monopoly on that behavior.

Please listen: Donald Trump stands for nothing that Bernie Sanders stood for. If you cared about anything he actually ran in favor of, you have to vote for Hillary Clinton. If you want to dismantle the DNC, hit me up November 9th, and we’ll talk. I don’t like what the DNC did. Screw Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Screw the Clinton political machine. I am not voting for them. I am voting against a man who has the full support of the KKK. If you think that voting against someone isn’t a good reason to vote, you don’t understand how voting works. If you vote to “send a message,” please Google “Brexit” to see how that turns out.

Yes, every election you are told that this is the “most important election of your lifetime.” If our country actually showed up to do its civic duty, maybe the hyperbole wouldn’t be needed. Thing is, this really is a very serious election, insofar as a political cartoon received the GOP nomination.

I was more excited to vote for John Kerry than I am for Hillary Clinton. And he did this:


Still, I’ll be doing my damnedest to make sure Hillary wins this fall. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’ve given (and will give) 0 dollars to the DNC this year. I will give money to specific democratic candidates, but none to the party. I’m disappointed in it. But I will also be voting for Hillary Clinton because I’m not pretentious enough to think standing on principle will excuse others from the consequences of a Trump presidency. Because make no mistake: There will be horrible, terrible consequences for the poorest among us, for people of color, for the LGBTQ community, and so many more if that Cheeto-colored assclown gets to sit in the oval office. Bitch about Hillary. And then tell everyone why you’re voting for her anyway.

More soon, but for the love of God, if your IQ is above “potato,” please get on board with “her” immediately.


3 thoughts on “A Complete List of Reasons NOT to Vote for Hillary Clinton

  1. I agree with you here – it’s a horrible thing to vote for, but I look at it as a vote for NOT TRUMP. And I can live with that.

    As a Bernie supporter, I do think that it was childish to boo during the DNC. However – I think the DNC really did act to prevent him from having a fair chance, and I think he would have been better than Clinton by miles and had a even larger chance of beating Trump in the polls – especially since many GOPs that are unhappy with Trump would have voted for him over Clinton. I say this to explain that it is very, very painful to me to vote for Clinton, which is in a way rewarding the system that ruined Bernie’s chance. I’m also not looking forward to four – or eight – years of Faux News watchers complaining non-stop about President Clinton (which they will do anyway), and me not being able to say, “Don’t look at me – I didn’t vote for her.”

    But, I will swallow that pill and put all of that aside to vote for someone who is NOT TRUMP and has the best chance of beating him.

  2. Thank you for this. It needs to be said, again, and again. I have friends who are dead-set against voting for the lesser of two evils. I tell them it’s not about that so much right now as it is making sure to do anything in this world, anything within our power to make sure Trump does NOT get the votes he needs to win. This is the messiest, scariest election I’ve ever witnessed, and that’s saying a lot; we survived TWO Bushes through 3 terms! But they’re angels compared to this bloviating sack of puke and I won’t play any part in helping him get elected. I can’t afford to move far enough away if he does win, and I’m not one to NOT vote, plus I really don’t want to live the next 4 years (or more! perish the thought) being in fear for my own life, and those of anyone else not perfectly; male,white, and rich.

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